Back to School

Even though he wasn't going back anyway, that doesn't make it any easier

I have not written much the last couple of months. That was entirely intentional and by design. I am fine, we’re all fine…to the extent you could expect. I have always tried to use my summers to spend time with the kids and not do as much content or spend as much time online. And this year was no different, and every year I’ve been pretty successful in doing that. So for the last month and a half I have hung out with my family, taken some trips, and just tried to enjoy the summer time and a little bit of a slow down. It was very nice and very needed. Now, summer is officially over and the girls have both started back to school.

This was their last “first day of school” picture. Going back to school has been different these past few years. Nadya has been doing a homeschool program online, so she doesn’t ever really “go back” so to speak. Kaydee has been attending Signature School in Evansville, and last year Sean was going to the OC at Mt. Vernon High School so he could finish up and graduate early. So we hadn’t really had a normal first day back like most families have. It didn’t make the return any less “end of summer” feeling. Back to the routines and classes and settling back in to school schedules as opposed to the laid back fun of the time off. We just did ours a little different.

This year Sean wouldn’t have been going back to school. He succeeded in what he set out to do this time last year. He finished school and graduated early. He should be a few months in to a real adult job, and I’m sure he would have been crushing it. But that doesn’t make the first day back any less hard for us without him here. Because he absolutely would have done everything he could to make sure he would be able to go in late this morning, that way he’d have an opportunity to go eat breakfast with Kaydee and send her off for her first day back. He still would have been there to celebrate her successes, and be a shoulder to cry on when things were hard. He’d have been celebrating Abby going in to her Senior year. He’d have still been cheering on the friends of his heading back. Just because he wasn’t going wouldn’t have meant he wasn’t there.

But he’s not there. And that’s the hardest part of this, every single day. He missed our summer adventures. Even though he wouldn’t have been able to do some of the things we did, and would have whined and griped and not wanted to do some of the other things we did…he still should have been there. Even though he wasn’t going back to school this fall, he still would have been there…and he should have been there. So we’ll do it all anyway. Not “without him” so much as for him. Because he would have been there to celebrate it all with us; but since he’s not with us anymore, we will celebrate it all for him. It’s what he would have done, and it’s what he would want.